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i have a million things in my mind and not enough free time in a day to adequately process them. i think this post might just be an outpouring of the feelings in my heart and the thoughts in my head.

let this be your warning: they may be ugly, they may be skewed by my distorted perception of things, they might not make much sense at all, they might not resolve. but i need to get them out.

(i'm not looking for answers.)

sometimes i feel like i'm not sure where i fit lately. i'll be among family and friends with whom i've always felt perfectly snug, but something just seems off. i feel inadequate. i feel like a third wheel. i feel like someone who is present but not involved, sitting in on someone else's conversation. i feel discontent going back to the places where i grew up; i am anxious and fidgety in middle-class america. the places and situations in which i once felt belonging, i feel i don't belong. i feel a switchfoot song coming on.

(well shoot. i just got distracted and some old switchfoot lyrics refuse to my head. dang it, jon foreman, you can always write my feelings far more eloquently than i can.)

i feel moments of beautiful community and love and life and in a flash it feels so empty.

i feel bold confidence and self-assurance mingled with fear and insecurities.



and then i'm humbled as God gently reminds me that it's not about me. i feel peace as He calls me back and says, "it's the already and not yet! there are parts of heaven on earth, glimpses of what is to come! but it's still earth and it's still so broken and imperfect. and you, my beloved, you are broken and imperfect. but my grace abounds."

His grace abounds.

in my brokenness, my selfishness, my sin, my narcissism, my impure thoughts, my false motives, my lies, my insecurities, my materialistic nature, my wandering heart, my anxiety & fear...

...His grace abounds.

He is so good. and He reminds me time and time again that, yeah, i don't belong here. but while i'm here i need to get off my high horse and get down in the dirt and serve. i need to put aside my selfish ambition and follow Him. i need to serve before i demand, love and not hate, to give before i take. i need to stop expecting anything in return. i need to be aware that this world has nothing for me, we were created for a place far greater.

oh, and i don't belong here.